Failure and Findings

I may have defeated the purpose of this blog by actually telling people about it. whoops. Not that it's a bad thing, but again, now I feel I have an audience, and with that, comes the responsibility to either say something profound or tell them something great about myself (like they'd really wanna hear that or something). Or so I figure. Well sorry folks, you'll probably be disappointed. I'm not really that profound, and whatever is great about me - well, I'm not sure what IS great about me, and what ISN"T really great about me, so that's the murky water I tread in everyday anyways. So I guess if you are willing to read these digressions into daily boring moments, or moments of self analyzation or self realization or generally just angry rants about my life, then woo hoo and happy to have you aboard. But don't expect too much. I've lived my life, outside of elementry and junior high, with the motto of: Low expectations, pleasant surprises. I try not to expect too much out of other people, I try not to rely on other people for the things I want for myself.
Perhaps I've just become defensive about it, I'm not really sure. I follow the same theory with my own performance as well though. I can study for an entire day for a test the next morning, and I will still go into the test with the thought that, "well, if I at least don't flunk the thing, I'll be happy." It's sort of that false sense of reassurance that you know you don't actually believe, but you HAVE to tell yourself this anyway, because, you aren't sure what really truly WOULD happen if you didn't do well. Especially for me, because so much of my academic life, I have attempted to "be the best I can be", whatever that REALLY means, and achieve this sense of personal satisifaction when my hard work pays off. And what happens when my hard work doesn't pay off? When I don't get the grade I really expected I would get(even though I've said, as long as I don't flunk)? Well, I'm disappointed of course. But, life still continues, the world keeps on turning, and ya know what? there will inevitably be another test.