Every one of us has a problem, or maybe many. Maybe our problems are related to worrying about our loved ones, or maybe our problems come from what actions we take. In any event sometimes when you just want to escape your problems, and you wonder, what really is the point to life, it's time to remember that usually the cosmos works in mysterious ways.
Alot of crappy stuff has been happening lately, for my friends, my family, and to a lesser extent to me. But, I think the mature way to look at this is to go, why do I want to escape feeling badly for others and myself? Sure, it sucks right now, but often timesbec there is a silver lining, or a realization that I can make after these events happen. In a way it's the quote "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger" that comes to mind. Life is in deed a series of ups and downs. I often wonder why people get what they get, and do they deserve it? because bad things can happen to good people, and good people can sometimes do bad things. Is it karma? just unlucky? are they mean otherwise?
I can't spend so much time doing this anymore. It is far better to accept that sometimes shit happens. And what determines your strength of character is how you deal with the aftermath. Also, no event is really a singular occurance. there are smaller moments that lead to those that stick out in our minds. Those particularly great and those particularly lousy.
For what it's worth, my prayers go out to you all.
Showing posts with label Introspection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Introspection. Show all posts
Monday, October 23, 2006
Friday, September 29, 2006
Memory Circle
Congrats to Christa, on her acceptance of a position on the OTHER side of the ILL department at IUB. :) May you find the borrowing as much fun as the lending.
Also, for those of you who believe in the power of prayer, or you believe that just thinking about someone can send them "good vibes" then please do so for Christa and her family, as they are going through a bit of a rough patch.
I took my grandmother's ring to a store tonight to see if they can replace the missing stone. No surprise that since it's an antique ring, they'll have to cut a new stone with the same "cut style" from a piece of original rock that is of the same coloring...i.e. a peridot of particular shade....so it sounds like it's going to cost quite a bit to fix, but to me, it will be worth it. What can I say, but that I am attachted to sentimental things such as these. My grandma let me pick one piece of jewelry from her jewelry box for my birthday when I was either 14, 15, or 16 (and we still had the old cottage at Okoboji in the family). I picked the ring, because it looked like it was my birthstone (and I didn't have anything else w. my birthstone except for my original studs from piercing my ears). But, I have to say half the fun of that time was the pleasure I got from looking through her possessions. I'm not saying that in any sort of sick, money-hungry type tone...but more in the tone of, it's neat to think about what other people collect as far as personal adornment goes. It was more fun for me to hear the stories that went along with other pieces in her collection, than to really settle on something.
I found the same thing to be true when I recently raided my mom's box to find a gold object to go with my "Roman Goddess" costume, and found "Care to Teach" pins, and some cufflinks of my dad's, and a neat tennis bracelet with various charms for her to explain.
In a way, it is funny that I don't remember the background of the particular peridot ring. I remember more how I felt getting to spend some quality one on one time with Grandma Madeliene. A rare commodity when there were 14 other cousins (a few with their own new additions), her own 5 remaining children, and my Grandfather, plus NUMEROUS stoppers-by that could occupy her attention on the front porch downstairs.
My grandma is great. I think maybe that's a universal for people that love their grandparents to say, but for me, it does hold true.
She's one of a kind, in the way that I'm sure all grandmothers are. And to have a small reminder of that uniqueness in something I can keep in a box and pass on to my own offspring will make repairing it worth the monetary expense.
Also, for those of you who believe in the power of prayer, or you believe that just thinking about someone can send them "good vibes" then please do so for Christa and her family, as they are going through a bit of a rough patch.
I took my grandmother's ring to a store tonight to see if they can replace the missing stone. No surprise that since it's an antique ring, they'll have to cut a new stone with the same "cut style" from a piece of original rock that is of the same coloring...i.e. a peridot of particular shade....so it sounds like it's going to cost quite a bit to fix, but to me, it will be worth it. What can I say, but that I am attachted to sentimental things such as these. My grandma let me pick one piece of jewelry from her jewelry box for my birthday when I was either 14, 15, or 16 (and we still had the old cottage at Okoboji in the family). I picked the ring, because it looked like it was my birthstone (and I didn't have anything else w. my birthstone except for my original studs from piercing my ears). But, I have to say half the fun of that time was the pleasure I got from looking through her possessions. I'm not saying that in any sort of sick, money-hungry type tone...but more in the tone of, it's neat to think about what other people collect as far as personal adornment goes. It was more fun for me to hear the stories that went along with other pieces in her collection, than to really settle on something.
I found the same thing to be true when I recently raided my mom's box to find a gold object to go with my "Roman Goddess" costume, and found "Care to Teach" pins, and some cufflinks of my dad's, and a neat tennis bracelet with various charms for her to explain.
In a way, it is funny that I don't remember the background of the particular peridot ring. I remember more how I felt getting to spend some quality one on one time with Grandma Madeliene. A rare commodity when there were 14 other cousins (a few with their own new additions), her own 5 remaining children, and my Grandfather, plus NUMEROUS stoppers-by that could occupy her attention on the front porch downstairs.
My grandma is great. I think maybe that's a universal for people that love their grandparents to say, but for me, it does hold true.
She's one of a kind, in the way that I'm sure all grandmothers are. And to have a small reminder of that uniqueness in something I can keep in a box and pass on to my own offspring will make repairing it worth the monetary expense.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Broken But Reassembled Like New
How many of you out there find successful outlets to venting anger or releasing stress and anxiety? Sometimes life is just so annoying or messed up or worriesome that you have very little recourse than to exhaust yourself in a fight with a pillow, a good bitch session with a friend, journaling, or an attempt at relaxation techniques.
Well, I know I have. Often, Stitchy, my fearless stuffed bear takes the brunt of my frustrations, both in becoming "SuperStitchy" (which means he gets hurled across the bedroom in hopes of hitting a wall) or playing kleenex to my more oft found faucet of tears. I guess psychologists say there is a "good way" to deal with stress and frustration and a "bad way." A good way would be to go and exercise. A bad way would be to exercise your fist into someone else's face. A bad way would be to drink yourself into a drunken oblivion. A good way would be to smash a tomatto and drink a home-made V8. (This is not being mean to veggies but creating a healthyoutlet) Of course, I'm not advocating combining the two (Bloody Mary) and calling it even.
The levels of stress and anxiety or frustration that many Americans feel today are prevelant. A look at the number of prescriptions for anti-anxiety medications can easily tell you this. It is no wonder that not managing stress/frustration can lead to so many physical health problems.
Mind over matter isn't just a saying folks. But maybe matter does play a part. Perhaps there is a reason why companies are able to sell "Stress balls" to squeeze, and mini punching bags for your office desk. That emotional outlet when directed toward an object instead of a person is better for sure, but then, that also can lead to some damage. What we all really clamour for, is a way to express our anger without suffering irreparable consequences. This guy has the right idea.
I don't have the answers. I just have random mussings. But I'll leave you with one image that often comes to mind when I think of frustrated, stressed-out folks...Click here.
Well, I know I have. Often, Stitchy, my fearless stuffed bear takes the brunt of my frustrations, both in becoming "SuperStitchy" (which means he gets hurled across the bedroom in hopes of hitting a wall) or playing kleenex to my more oft found faucet of tears. I guess psychologists say there is a "good way" to deal with stress and frustration and a "bad way." A good way would be to go and exercise. A bad way would be to exercise your fist into someone else's face. A bad way would be to drink yourself into a drunken oblivion. A good way would be to smash a tomatto and drink a home-made V8. (This is not being mean to veggies but creating a healthyoutlet) Of course, I'm not advocating combining the two (Bloody Mary) and calling it even.
The levels of stress and anxiety or frustration that many Americans feel today are prevelant. A look at the number of prescriptions for anti-anxiety medications can easily tell you this. It is no wonder that not managing stress/frustration can lead to so many physical health problems.
Mind over matter isn't just a saying folks. But maybe matter does play a part. Perhaps there is a reason why companies are able to sell "Stress balls" to squeeze, and mini punching bags for your office desk. That emotional outlet when directed toward an object instead of a person is better for sure, but then, that also can lead to some damage. What we all really clamour for, is a way to express our anger without suffering irreparable consequences. This guy has the right idea.
I don't have the answers. I just have random mussings. But I'll leave you with one image that often comes to mind when I think of frustrated, stressed-out folks...Click here.
Monday, June 19, 2006
I am currently reading the book Smashed and I recommend it to everyone. Yes, that's right, not just girls that are pre-college, but I'd also recommend it to the guys that I know. The author does a good job of describing her experiences growing up in the 80's and 90's, and it's a refreshing look at how raw those initial experiences where and how much time must pass before one can really evaluate why you did the things you did, or at the very least, what type of perspective you will bring to them much later.
I see many aspects of myself and my own college experiences in her writing and choices. This is what writing I guess is all about. How to find your personal voice, and yet, be able to make something that is identifiable and universal. So that, your audience, when reading goes: Ya, I hear you. I've been there. Or, Oh my god, I can't believe that happened to you. Her vehicle to achieve this reaction: alcohol. Something I have come to lately identify with a strange love/hate relationship myself.
You may think, wow, perhaps Susan is admiting in a blog that she suffers alcoholism. Well, I'm not. I don't need a drink a day or anything like that. You see, that's also a distinction the author makes. She basically says she abuses alcohol, but she's not an alcoholic. Interesting huh? But when you think about it, how many college age males and females do just that?
I'll admit I've thrown up from drinking too much and thought, gee that was stupid, I should know my limits, and not do that. (granted that's only happened twice, and once it was because I ate the mint leaves in the mojito w.o realizing you aren't supposed to do that). I'll also admit I've been drunk enough that I don't entirely remember the sequence of events of an evening. Ya, that was a scary night. I stopped drinking for a long time after that one.
Have I had to have other people take care of me after drinking? Well, yeah, that one scary night, and one other one that I can definately remember. Have I now learned to drink responsibly? I hope so....but one must ask themselves what exactly does that mean?
Does responsibly mean that you simply make sure someone's gonna be the DD? Does it mean you always use the "buddy system"? Does it mean you don't get behind the wheel of your car or someone else's if you've been drinking at all? Or had one or two drinks? Does it mean that you don't drink when you're underage? Does it mean you don't drink in a bar? Does it mean you watch the bartender making your drink? Does it mean you don't accept drinks from people you don't already know? Does it mean that you go up to the bar with your guy friends when THEY buy drinks for you? Does it mean you don't drink and then do something else, like pot, or hallucinagentic drugs? Does it mean you get drunk, but make sure you meet your friends when you're supposed to? Does it mean you don't get drunk and make out with someone on the street corner? or get into a fight in the ped mall?
I am a firm believer that underage (i.e. not 21) year olds in college or not, should, in fact, be allowed into bars. Because I went to bars when I was 18,19,20 and did not drink, but socialized with friends and danced. I also went and did the same at 21-24. I also believe that if I go into a bar, I am accepting that I'll be exposed to second hand smoke (unless the bar is smoke free)- and I'm also allergic to it. Sadly, I also expect that if I go into a bar, I am going to subject myself to possibly crowds of people, having drinks spilled on me, potential cigarette burns, having guys attempt to grab me, or dance on me, or try to pick me up, or feel me up. Should this be the case simply because I am a woman in the right age range? Of course not.
Have I regaled my tales of drinking that were more unusual or interesting to other people as "this one time when I was drinking" oh yea, I have. Am I proud of this? I don't know....I don't think i really am, and yet, what stories get told the most often when you're out with people in these contexts? Usually, it's, we got drunk and such and such happened. Or "man, my sister got drunk last night and it was soo funny." or "god, my roommate got drunk last night, and I had to take care of her ." And the inevitable "I don't remember doing that, I'm sorry, I was drunk."
Yeah, that sucks.
Have I spent a number of years taking care of my friends, making sure they had a DD, and offering to be it? Have I watched a number of them get sick from alcohol, yea. I've also tried to make sure they didn't do anything that was too crazy, that they'd seriously regret the next day. Have I been pissed at them for some of the stuff they'd said or did while drinking...ya? Have they been pissed at me for things I've said or did while drinking or trying to take care of them? quite possibly. Don't get me wrong, when I say I've spent years taking care of my friends, I am no martyr, and I am not trying to take any moral high ground here. I am simply trying to sort out the mess that I consider my relationship with booze.
I just finished my second year of graduate school, so I've got a master's degree now, and do you think that equates with being smarter about drinking? well, I shall hope so. I didn't drink much in grad school, I went out the first year with a friend, she'd drink, I'd go to dance. And yet, one night I did go out and get wasted...and I went to class while I was still drunk the next morning. And this year, I only went out a few nights and drank, but halloween, I drank, and then I walked back to my apartment through wet grass with no shoes on...was that stupid? of course. and did I not control my emotions? yup...cause that happens to me sometimes when I drink also. Did I go out one night and drink a lot of long islands, so I was definately passed my limit, and then go back to my apartment and decide to drink more? Yup, I remember doing that also.
Did I have a party at my parent's house last August for my birthday while they weren't home, and buy alcohol to serve my friends? yes. They are all over 21 btw Did I make sure those planning to drink stayed the night or had a DD? yes. Have I been out drinking, and had a pint of beer or a glass of wine with some friends to celebrate graduation, or catch up on old times? Yup and I walked home, or had a DD each time. Did I have some liquid courage in my system in order to finally tell someone I like them? yes, but I had a dd that night also. Did I have a shot bought by a friend, and a few margarittas one night? yup....did I get drunk, no. Did I have fun with my friends playing pool, yes. Did I go on a wine tour in Napa Valley, which meant I had a few glasses of wine, yup. But I didn't drive, and I had a great time socializing with my family.
So have I learned what responsible consumption of alcohol is? Perhaps. Did it come at a high price? Maybe, though maybe not as high a price as some of my other friends. And not as high a price as those that have died due to alcohol use, or the alcohol use of others.
So what have I gained from reading this book that is on the ny times bestsellers list? Well, I guess, in alot of ways, I'm like a good portion of the general population my age.
I see many aspects of myself and my own college experiences in her writing and choices. This is what writing I guess is all about. How to find your personal voice, and yet, be able to make something that is identifiable and universal. So that, your audience, when reading goes: Ya, I hear you. I've been there. Or, Oh my god, I can't believe that happened to you. Her vehicle to achieve this reaction: alcohol. Something I have come to lately identify with a strange love/hate relationship myself.
You may think, wow, perhaps Susan is admiting in a blog that she suffers alcoholism. Well, I'm not. I don't need a drink a day or anything like that. You see, that's also a distinction the author makes. She basically says she abuses alcohol, but she's not an alcoholic. Interesting huh? But when you think about it, how many college age males and females do just that?
I'll admit I've thrown up from drinking too much and thought, gee that was stupid, I should know my limits, and not do that. (granted that's only happened twice, and once it was because I ate the mint leaves in the mojito w.o realizing you aren't supposed to do that). I'll also admit I've been drunk enough that I don't entirely remember the sequence of events of an evening. Ya, that was a scary night. I stopped drinking for a long time after that one.
Have I had to have other people take care of me after drinking? Well, yeah, that one scary night, and one other one that I can definately remember. Have I now learned to drink responsibly? I hope so....but one must ask themselves what exactly does that mean?
Does responsibly mean that you simply make sure someone's gonna be the DD? Does it mean you always use the "buddy system"? Does it mean you don't get behind the wheel of your car or someone else's if you've been drinking at all? Or had one or two drinks? Does it mean that you don't drink when you're underage? Does it mean you don't drink in a bar? Does it mean you watch the bartender making your drink? Does it mean you don't accept drinks from people you don't already know? Does it mean that you go up to the bar with your guy friends when THEY buy drinks for you? Does it mean you don't drink and then do something else, like pot, or hallucinagentic drugs? Does it mean you get drunk, but make sure you meet your friends when you're supposed to? Does it mean you don't get drunk and make out with someone on the street corner? or get into a fight in the ped mall?
I am a firm believer that underage (i.e. not 21) year olds in college or not, should, in fact, be allowed into bars. Because I went to bars when I was 18,19,20 and did not drink, but socialized with friends and danced. I also went and did the same at 21-24. I also believe that if I go into a bar, I am accepting that I'll be exposed to second hand smoke (unless the bar is smoke free)- and I'm also allergic to it. Sadly, I also expect that if I go into a bar, I am going to subject myself to possibly crowds of people, having drinks spilled on me, potential cigarette burns, having guys attempt to grab me, or dance on me, or try to pick me up, or feel me up. Should this be the case simply because I am a woman in the right age range? Of course not.
Have I regaled my tales of drinking that were more unusual or interesting to other people as "this one time when I was drinking" oh yea, I have. Am I proud of this? I don't know....I don't think i really am, and yet, what stories get told the most often when you're out with people in these contexts? Usually, it's, we got drunk and such and such happened. Or "man, my sister got drunk last night and it was soo funny." or "god, my roommate got drunk last night, and I had to take care of her ." And the inevitable "I don't remember doing that, I'm sorry, I was drunk."
Yeah, that sucks.
Have I spent a number of years taking care of my friends, making sure they had a DD, and offering to be it? Have I watched a number of them get sick from alcohol, yea. I've also tried to make sure they didn't do anything that was too crazy, that they'd seriously regret the next day. Have I been pissed at them for some of the stuff they'd said or did while drinking...ya? Have they been pissed at me for things I've said or did while drinking or trying to take care of them? quite possibly. Don't get me wrong, when I say I've spent years taking care of my friends, I am no martyr, and I am not trying to take any moral high ground here. I am simply trying to sort out the mess that I consider my relationship with booze.
I just finished my second year of graduate school, so I've got a master's degree now, and do you think that equates with being smarter about drinking? well, I shall hope so. I didn't drink much in grad school, I went out the first year with a friend, she'd drink, I'd go to dance. And yet, one night I did go out and get wasted...and I went to class while I was still drunk the next morning. And this year, I only went out a few nights and drank, but halloween, I drank, and then I walked back to my apartment through wet grass with no shoes on...was that stupid? of course. and did I not control my emotions? yup...cause that happens to me sometimes when I drink also. Did I go out one night and drink a lot of long islands, so I was definately passed my limit, and then go back to my apartment and decide to drink more? Yup, I remember doing that also.
Did I have a party at my parent's house last August for my birthday while they weren't home, and buy alcohol to serve my friends? yes. They are all over 21 btw Did I make sure those planning to drink stayed the night or had a DD? yes. Have I been out drinking, and had a pint of beer or a glass of wine with some friends to celebrate graduation, or catch up on old times? Yup and I walked home, or had a DD each time. Did I have some liquid courage in my system in order to finally tell someone I like them? yes, but I had a dd that night also. Did I have a shot bought by a friend, and a few margarittas one night? yup....did I get drunk, no. Did I have fun with my friends playing pool, yes. Did I go on a wine tour in Napa Valley, which meant I had a few glasses of wine, yup. But I didn't drive, and I had a great time socializing with my family.
So have I learned what responsible consumption of alcohol is? Perhaps. Did it come at a high price? Maybe, though maybe not as high a price as some of my other friends. And not as high a price as those that have died due to alcohol use, or the alcohol use of others.
So what have I gained from reading this book that is on the ny times bestsellers list? Well, I guess, in alot of ways, I'm like a good portion of the general population my age.
Monday, May 22, 2006
What do I do with free time??
Greetings faithful viewers, readers, gawkers, movers and shakers. I am now back in IC, for a few days, until flying to San Fran for a few more days...then back here.
So, I've got some free time on my hands, while I search for a job (primary goal now that XML is finished.) So, much to your liking..a blog post counts as a use of free time.
I've watched alot of Wildfire. It's addictive, it's about racehorses, and it's fun to pick out what they mess up about horseracing (after all it IS a t.v. show)
I also got to visit Hilary in Waconda, IL and see the Lake County Discovery Museum (heh, kinda fun, though my health does seem to want to really co-operate these days)
did anyone else catch word that this is the highest pollen count season on record so far, in both Iowa and Indiana? (perhaps Illinois as well?) and moving from state to state hasn't helped my allergies settle down at all. Regardless, I've had a good few days visiting folks, and culturing myself up a little.
Now for the rest of my relaxation I will read some books --surprise --and download some classics on to the ipod from a casting site, to listen to on the plane.
I promised someone that I would actually try to do Alcatraz this time, so that's on the list, along with visiting the asian art museum, napa valley wine tour by train (with the rents) and hopefully enjoying a few days in California sun (do they have pollen there also??? I hope not)
Official graduation celebration starts tomorrow night - so feel free to send your congrats and such my way ---change from the sofa does count in my eyes also :)
in a related note --if anyone realizes they need to simplifiy their life of material possessions, even with sentimental value (and we know who we are) I think I shall write a book someday entitled "why don't you want to part with that croucheted blanket with the hideous orange and lime green flowers?" (the back cover of the book will then host the reply of "my grandmother made it!!") --it will be a self-help book about coming to terms with realizing that one person just cannot possibly hold on to every sentimental object/article of clothing given to them over the years --especially those of us in our mid-twenties moving around alot.
(*note to self: you probably have already defeated the purpose of your future book by continuing to possess scrapbooks full of birthday cards from ten years ago...*)
In a not so great coincidence, holding on to PHOTOGRAPHS should be paramount in all one's endeavors...especially when your laptop gets sent to the best buy service warehouse WITHOUT them backing up your files like you told them to...so those of you with CDS of images that i've made (over the last year..i.e. new years eve, misa/casey's visit...halloween, etc) might be kind enough to send me copies of those copies??/ that would be fab....because images on the computer - and slim-cased cds full of digital images take up very little space in homes of 20 somethings...:)
that is all for now...
So, I've got some free time on my hands, while I search for a job (primary goal now that XML is finished.) So, much to your liking..a blog post counts as a use of free time.
I've watched alot of Wildfire. It's addictive, it's about racehorses, and it's fun to pick out what they mess up about horseracing (after all it IS a t.v. show)
I also got to visit Hilary in Waconda, IL and see the Lake County Discovery Museum (heh, kinda fun, though my health does seem to want to really co-operate these days)
did anyone else catch word that this is the highest pollen count season on record so far, in both Iowa and Indiana? (perhaps Illinois as well?) and moving from state to state hasn't helped my allergies settle down at all. Regardless, I've had a good few days visiting folks, and culturing myself up a little.
Now for the rest of my relaxation I will read some books --surprise --and download some classics on to the ipod from a casting site, to listen to on the plane.
I promised someone that I would actually try to do Alcatraz this time, so that's on the list, along with visiting the asian art museum, napa valley wine tour by train (with the rents) and hopefully enjoying a few days in California sun (do they have pollen there also??? I hope not)
Official graduation celebration starts tomorrow night - so feel free to send your congrats and such my way ---change from the sofa does count in my eyes also :)
in a related note --if anyone realizes they need to simplifiy their life of material possessions, even with sentimental value (and we know who we are) I think I shall write a book someday entitled "why don't you want to part with that croucheted blanket with the hideous orange and lime green flowers?" (the back cover of the book will then host the reply of "my grandmother made it!!") --it will be a self-help book about coming to terms with realizing that one person just cannot possibly hold on to every sentimental object/article of clothing given to them over the years --especially those of us in our mid-twenties moving around alot.
(*note to self: you probably have already defeated the purpose of your future book by continuing to possess scrapbooks full of birthday cards from ten years ago...*)
In a not so great coincidence, holding on to PHOTOGRAPHS should be paramount in all one's endeavors...especially when your laptop gets sent to the best buy service warehouse WITHOUT them backing up your files like you told them to...so those of you with CDS of images that i've made (over the last year..i.e. new years eve, misa/casey's visit...halloween, etc) might be kind enough to send me copies of those copies??/ that would be fab....because images on the computer - and slim-cased cds full of digital images take up very little space in homes of 20 somethings...:)
that is all for now...
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Perhaps it's simply because the sun has started to shine more often over the rolling hills of Southern Indiana, or perhaps it's because it is almost the end of the semester, and I should be totally stressed, but I'm not. For some weird reason I've found a contentment that I haven't felt in a very long while. I feel really good about helping my friend's mom with her website (crossing International waters and language barriers to make it happen). I feel pretty excited about some possible prospects for me when I return to Iowa City as far as potential job ops. And I've been able to contribute to some really interesting "cutting edge" type research here at IU recently. Thanks to some classroom knowledge and practical application of such.
That is perhaps what I've been waiting for while here at SLIS. The melding of my theoretical school and the practical usefulness of what I've learned about. Hopefully things will pan out with this experiement.
On other fronts, if you look for me this weekend, you should look out of town, and if you look for me next weekend, you should do the same. I'm doing some roadtripping...and as long as I've got wireless access where I'm at, everything will still get done.
So yup, that's the update.
That is perhaps what I've been waiting for while here at SLIS. The melding of my theoretical school and the practical usefulness of what I've learned about. Hopefully things will pan out with this experiement.
On other fronts, if you look for me this weekend, you should look out of town, and if you look for me next weekend, you should do the same. I'm doing some roadtripping...and as long as I've got wireless access where I'm at, everything will still get done.
So yup, that's the update.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
The "New" and the "Old"
Locations of my Spring Break: Iowa City and Bloomington
Duration of my Spring Break: March 09th-March 19th
Worth of my Spring Break: Priceless
I guess that expression In with the New Out with the Old has many applications for medicine and technology ala redesigning a blog page, but for me, that philosophy just doesn't hold up well in other contexts. I suppose a lot of people would say that adage means creating a "fresh start" for yourself, but to me it seems to suggest that in order to make a new beginning you have to forget or erase or throw out the "old."
Why would I want to throw out the "old" of my life? The "old" of my life means many things, including wonderful and painful past memories and experiences. The "old" of my life is what has taught me the mistakes (or learning experiences as I prefer to call them) I've made, valuable self-worth, and my worth to others. It is what makes me the person I am today, and will help me decide the person I will be tomorrow. The "old" is a testement to where I have been, and my journey to get whereever the heck I am hoping to wind up. It's a sign of my previous character, and how I may react to events in the future.
Someone recently told me that I often speak in absolutes and I often jump to the worst case scenario in almost all situations - even before such situations have fully played out. I am quick to make assumptions and internalize. And I am quick to blame myself for whatever happens, and handle a lot of unhealthy guilt, even if others would say it was out of my control. - They were right.
Curiously, if I am in the supermarket, and the check-out girl snaps at me, I shrug it off because she's probably having a bad day (a more positive assumption I guess and it doesn't really phase me). I am rarely angry at other people for the things they may do that hurt me, because most often the hurt is only temporary and often accidental. (notice, not an absolute - rarely doesn't mean never) Besides, because we're human we are bound to do things and make decisions that hurt other people in some way, either without knowing, or because of an underlying need to prove something(?) and will feel bad about it after the fact.
I'm not a psychologist, so I can't say for sure what motivates people to do things to hurt others with malice and without conscience. But I will say that most often my first instinct is, even today, to see as much good as possible in the people I meet.
Rose-colored glasses will only take you so far.
I spent a good portion of my Spring Break really trying to internally reflect on what has brought me to this point, and at the same time, absorbing the advice and support of others, (thank you to you all, those who know the full story or various shades in between) because I'm trying to realize that for some instances I have a right to be angry, and have that anger directed toward someone else. I have a right to take on my own accountability that is warranted, and not those of other people. I have a right to carry that "old" with me and never forget it(as I have self-destructively tried to do), but I also have a need and responsibility to move past it, in a healthy way. I should not blame myself...and even as I write that now, I still only minutely believe it.
That is one thing about acceptance of your personality and what you don't want to continue to do. Often, it will take awhile before you'll see noticable improvement. The important thing though is to try to change what you can, (In with the NEW) and also to not let the "old" consume your current life and happiness (But REBMEMBER the OLD).
Duration of my Spring Break: March 09th-March 19th
Worth of my Spring Break: Priceless
I guess that expression In with the New Out with the Old has many applications for medicine and technology ala redesigning a blog page, but for me, that philosophy just doesn't hold up well in other contexts. I suppose a lot of people would say that adage means creating a "fresh start" for yourself, but to me it seems to suggest that in order to make a new beginning you have to forget or erase or throw out the "old."
Why would I want to throw out the "old" of my life? The "old" of my life means many things, including wonderful and painful past memories and experiences. The "old" of my life is what has taught me the mistakes (or learning experiences as I prefer to call them) I've made, valuable self-worth, and my worth to others. It is what makes me the person I am today, and will help me decide the person I will be tomorrow. The "old" is a testement to where I have been, and my journey to get whereever the heck I am hoping to wind up. It's a sign of my previous character, and how I may react to events in the future.
Someone recently told me that I often speak in absolutes and I often jump to the worst case scenario in almost all situations - even before such situations have fully played out. I am quick to make assumptions and internalize. And I am quick to blame myself for whatever happens, and handle a lot of unhealthy guilt, even if others would say it was out of my control. - They were right.
Curiously, if I am in the supermarket, and the check-out girl snaps at me, I shrug it off because she's probably having a bad day (a more positive assumption I guess and it doesn't really phase me). I am rarely angry at other people for the things they may do that hurt me, because most often the hurt is only temporary and often accidental. (notice, not an absolute - rarely doesn't mean never) Besides, because we're human we are bound to do things and make decisions that hurt other people in some way, either without knowing, or because of an underlying need to prove something(?) and will feel bad about it after the fact.
I'm not a psychologist, so I can't say for sure what motivates people to do things to hurt others with malice and without conscience. But I will say that most often my first instinct is, even today, to see as much good as possible in the people I meet.
Rose-colored glasses will only take you so far.
I spent a good portion of my Spring Break really trying to internally reflect on what has brought me to this point, and at the same time, absorbing the advice and support of others, (thank you to you all, those who know the full story or various shades in between) because I'm trying to realize that for some instances I have a right to be angry, and have that anger directed toward someone else. I have a right to take on my own accountability that is warranted, and not those of other people. I have a right to carry that "old" with me and never forget it(as I have self-destructively tried to do), but I also have a need and responsibility to move past it, in a healthy way. I should not blame myself...and even as I write that now, I still only minutely believe it.
That is one thing about acceptance of your personality and what you don't want to continue to do. Often, it will take awhile before you'll see noticable improvement. The important thing though is to try to change what you can, (In with the NEW) and also to not let the "old" consume your current life and happiness (But REBMEMBER the OLD).
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Do I Need A Clean Slate?
Well the new year has come, all hail 2006. I wrote my first 2006 date yesterday, and I didn't write 2005 first. Normally within the first few weeks of the new year, I still write the past year's date, and have to scratch it out. So, perhaps this is a good sign of where I'm heading.
Usually people make new years resolutions, reflect on the past year, and find out what they want to change about themselves, or they think about the ways in which they can "start things over" in a "new beginning" and apparently midnight on December 31st is as good a time as any to committ to changing.
Well, for my part, there are many things I'd like to change about myself for the future, and many things that are definately unknown about my more near future, and usually that fact alone would scare me beyond belief. I seem to have lived my life thus far with an idea of planning ahead, and then expecting that things won't always go according to plan A, but that's what plan B is for....well at this juncture, there are about 20 plan B's and no plan A. However, in a twist of my psyche, I'm more happy and more comfortable than I've been in a long while. Life is pretty damn fabulous for me these days. There are many people who help to make that the case - both near and far - so thanks guys!
So perhaps the biggest change and resolution for 2006 isn't even a resolution but a realization that my personality is evolving somewhat into being more comfortable with the unknown future...
(update on NYE and all of that crazy insane fun will follow - but for now, I must get ready for work at B & N)
Happy New Year, New Resolutions, New Realizations, and New Beginnings or Great Continuings to you all!
Usually people make new years resolutions, reflect on the past year, and find out what they want to change about themselves, or they think about the ways in which they can "start things over" in a "new beginning" and apparently midnight on December 31st is as good a time as any to committ to changing.
Well, for my part, there are many things I'd like to change about myself for the future, and many things that are definately unknown about my more near future, and usually that fact alone would scare me beyond belief. I seem to have lived my life thus far with an idea of planning ahead, and then expecting that things won't always go according to plan A, but that's what plan B is for....well at this juncture, there are about 20 plan B's and no plan A. However, in a twist of my psyche, I'm more happy and more comfortable than I've been in a long while. Life is pretty damn fabulous for me these days. There are many people who help to make that the case - both near and far - so thanks guys!
So perhaps the biggest change and resolution for 2006 isn't even a resolution but a realization that my personality is evolving somewhat into being more comfortable with the unknown future...
(update on NYE and all of that crazy insane fun will follow - but for now, I must get ready for work at B & N)
Happy New Year, New Resolutions, New Realizations, and New Beginnings or Great Continuings to you all!
Thursday, December 08, 2005
WARNING: LONG and WINDING Post Ahead
While perusing my normal collection of links to friends’ and friends-of-friends’ blogs last night, I remembered that my brother, during a Thanksgiving phone conversation, told me I should send him the link to mine and he’d do the same. Not to disappoint the potential audience (because we all know how narcissistic I already am) I obliged.
From my brother’s blog came links to blogs of one of his best friends from junior high through today, the best friend’s sister, who graduated high school with me, and the best friend’s father, who, in an interesting “small town Iowa City world moment” was also my junior high school principal a few years back. (Okay more than a few years back, but really, I’m only nearing a quarter of a century here folks.) Regardless, having not so much “stumbled” as “been directed” to these sites of other people I know, who probably have no idea I’m now clued into their journalings, (unless they are also, in turn, via Steve’s site, clued into my OWN postings), I am now convinced that there is at the very least a sense of voyeurism associated with reading the blogs of other people that don’t know you read them, OR with reading blogs of people you’ve never met.
Online journaling, for those of us who maintain sites, and occasionally actually bother to update them (unlike certain Cubs baseball fans), is a really good way to catch a snippet of what other people are recommending and experiencing, on a daily or infrequent basis. For example, the best friend’s sister’s boyfriend (oh ya, we’re talking six degrees of Kevin Bacon here) recently posted about a book that he found worthwhile. While skimming their joint blog, I was intrigued, because the book is also tangentially related to my field of study. His post included enough tidbits about the contents of this monograph that I checked it out while at Barnes and Noble last night. Since my future career will hopefully involve, at least in the minimal sense, the understanding of how people perceive and interpret optical illusions, digital images, and art in general (as either a Visual Resources curator, or an Art librarian) I found it particularly interesting.
Now, the point I’m trying to make –yes there is a point –surprised? is that without actually having ever met this individual, and without knowing much about his personality, his like or dislike of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, or his thoughts on God, I still took his reference to a book, and was motivated to scope it out in a bookstore.
How is that for the power of a relatively new phenomenon called bloging?
Consider also that I frequently check my friend’s blog, because he’s a production assistant at a big network news branch – and I check this because he finds and links many blogs that are watchdogs of the media industry. Consider also that I found out one of my fellow SLISARDS had tied the knot, first through a facebook.com name change, and then through reading his blog, long before I ACTUALLY ran into him at SLIS to congratulate him in person. In fact, people with in my program are researching blogs and blog activity and the social aspects of this phenomenon as well. Obviously there is some thing to this form of communication.
I was sitting in class today (my last class of the semester, so one where I’d most often zone out and think with finality on the course and the evaluation) and the speaker is a contemporary art historian here at IUB. He was discussing how his research has taken him all over the country to locate various papers/pamphlets and smatterings of information about an artist he wrote his dissertation on and continues to write about. He was also telling us how the web has made the access to research and information a very different arena. Well, this artist is living, has her own website, and so does a gallery she deals with. He was describing ephemeral documents that he’d located through physical archives, and via pdf files found on the web, such as handbills for protests, exhibit checklists, and personal correspondences.
The thought of personal correspondences made me stop a moment. In this age of blogs, when does the personal correspondence of the intended audience that a “bloger” knows reads their postings, become the public correspondence they have with people whom they’ve never met in person, but that leave comments on their blogs? Or in fact, people who read the blogs of others, and these writers have no idea that the people have read their postings, or have taken their recommendations for books to heart?
My other thought during this lecture was: Are there any contemporary artists that blog about their work? They might contain the problems they are trying to solve, or the statements they are trying to make with each piece, or their manifestos? Because, if this is occurring in the web arena, then who should be responsible for archiving and organizing all of this information? Obviously, these thoughts, mutterings and postings of contemporary artists will be worth preserving for future art historians and scholars. Where would scholars be without the collected letters of Van Gogh to his brother? While most of the archiving falls simply to the artist themselves, and their journal hosting site – why shouldn’t art librarians take on the responsibility of collecting print copies of pertinent and relevant artists’ postings for vertical files? Has anyone bothered to do screen captures of artists’ websites, or pull the information from these sites to include in a vertical file in a library?
Part of my internship this summer focused on the cataloging of artists file folders at the University of Iowa, in order to make these files accessible to students, because, these “ephemera” could be useful for research purposes. The New York Public Library has an extensive collection of artist files that have been microfilmed and distributed for purchase by other libraries, in order to facilitate this type of archival research.
Perhaps, such an endeavor should be done with artists’ blogs also? Maybe, a rudimentary print format, or some web-based archival product or system could accomplish this, and a librarian familiar with authority headings and classification systems could organize the content? So long as these sources of information, which resemble a mix between a self-edited artist DAILY autobiography or “memoirs,” meshed with such basic details as where they went for dinner, or with whom they spoke at a gallery opening, could very quickly become important for future scholars trying to trace inspirations and associations of today’s contemporary artists.
For my part, these are just the musings of a library science student, who spent the last two days mulling over the tip of the iceberg of blog culture and the tip of the vast potential of such technology on future archives and research methods. Talk about a can of worms…
Oh yes, and for those of you interested, I will be buying the book and I will be checking these other blogs regularly, with all manner of voyeurism that I suspect to feel from glimpsing the lives of known and unknown persons.
From my brother’s blog came links to blogs of one of his best friends from junior high through today, the best friend’s sister, who graduated high school with me, and the best friend’s father, who, in an interesting “small town Iowa City world moment” was also my junior high school principal a few years back. (Okay more than a few years back, but really, I’m only nearing a quarter of a century here folks.) Regardless, having not so much “stumbled” as “been directed” to these sites of other people I know, who probably have no idea I’m now clued into their journalings, (unless they are also, in turn, via Steve’s site, clued into my OWN postings), I am now convinced that there is at the very least a sense of voyeurism associated with reading the blogs of other people that don’t know you read them, OR with reading blogs of people you’ve never met.
Online journaling, for those of us who maintain sites, and occasionally actually bother to update them (unlike certain Cubs baseball fans), is a really good way to catch a snippet of what other people are recommending and experiencing, on a daily or infrequent basis. For example, the best friend’s sister’s boyfriend (oh ya, we’re talking six degrees of Kevin Bacon here) recently posted about a book that he found worthwhile. While skimming their joint blog, I was intrigued, because the book is also tangentially related to my field of study. His post included enough tidbits about the contents of this monograph that I checked it out while at Barnes and Noble last night. Since my future career will hopefully involve, at least in the minimal sense, the understanding of how people perceive and interpret optical illusions, digital images, and art in general (as either a Visual Resources curator, or an Art librarian) I found it particularly interesting.
Now, the point I’m trying to make –yes there is a point –surprised? is that without actually having ever met this individual, and without knowing much about his personality, his like or dislike of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, or his thoughts on God, I still took his reference to a book, and was motivated to scope it out in a bookstore.
How is that for the power of a relatively new phenomenon called bloging?
Consider also that I frequently check my friend’s blog, because he’s a production assistant at a big network news branch – and I check this because he finds and links many blogs that are watchdogs of the media industry. Consider also that I found out one of my fellow SLISARDS had tied the knot, first through a facebook.com name change, and then through reading his blog, long before I ACTUALLY ran into him at SLIS to congratulate him in person. In fact, people with in my program are researching blogs and blog activity and the social aspects of this phenomenon as well. Obviously there is some thing to this form of communication.
I was sitting in class today (my last class of the semester, so one where I’d most often zone out and think with finality on the course and the evaluation) and the speaker is a contemporary art historian here at IUB. He was discussing how his research has taken him all over the country to locate various papers/pamphlets and smatterings of information about an artist he wrote his dissertation on and continues to write about. He was also telling us how the web has made the access to research and information a very different arena. Well, this artist is living, has her own website, and so does a gallery she deals with. He was describing ephemeral documents that he’d located through physical archives, and via pdf files found on the web, such as handbills for protests, exhibit checklists, and personal correspondences.
The thought of personal correspondences made me stop a moment. In this age of blogs, when does the personal correspondence of the intended audience that a “bloger” knows reads their postings, become the public correspondence they have with people whom they’ve never met in person, but that leave comments on their blogs? Or in fact, people who read the blogs of others, and these writers have no idea that the people have read their postings, or have taken their recommendations for books to heart?
My other thought during this lecture was: Are there any contemporary artists that blog about their work? They might contain the problems they are trying to solve, or the statements they are trying to make with each piece, or their manifestos? Because, if this is occurring in the web arena, then who should be responsible for archiving and organizing all of this information? Obviously, these thoughts, mutterings and postings of contemporary artists will be worth preserving for future art historians and scholars. Where would scholars be without the collected letters of Van Gogh to his brother? While most of the archiving falls simply to the artist themselves, and their journal hosting site – why shouldn’t art librarians take on the responsibility of collecting print copies of pertinent and relevant artists’ postings for vertical files? Has anyone bothered to do screen captures of artists’ websites, or pull the information from these sites to include in a vertical file in a library?
Part of my internship this summer focused on the cataloging of artists file folders at the University of Iowa, in order to make these files accessible to students, because, these “ephemera” could be useful for research purposes. The New York Public Library has an extensive collection of artist files that have been microfilmed and distributed for purchase by other libraries, in order to facilitate this type of archival research.
Perhaps, such an endeavor should be done with artists’ blogs also? Maybe, a rudimentary print format, or some web-based archival product or system could accomplish this, and a librarian familiar with authority headings and classification systems could organize the content? So long as these sources of information, which resemble a mix between a self-edited artist DAILY autobiography or “memoirs,” meshed with such basic details as where they went for dinner, or with whom they spoke at a gallery opening, could very quickly become important for future scholars trying to trace inspirations and associations of today’s contemporary artists.
For my part, these are just the musings of a library science student, who spent the last two days mulling over the tip of the iceberg of blog culture and the tip of the vast potential of such technology on future archives and research methods. Talk about a can of worms…
Oh yes, and for those of you interested, I will be buying the book and I will be checking these other blogs regularly, with all manner of voyeurism that I suspect to feel from glimpsing the lives of known and unknown persons.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Cosmic Forces and Something More
My Horoscope from Monday: You have information and the ability to express yourself with grace and creative power today. Your words can move others to powerful feelings of awakening and awareness. Those close to you can have their eyes opened by what you have to say. Expand your mind by spending time with intelligent people, particularly those who are very different than you.
Well, now that it is Tuesday evening, I can reflect on how true this horoscope prediction was for yesterday. I did indeed expand my mind by spending time with some very intelligent people, and conversed over the use of vocabulary. I had information to share. I'm not sure I was up with the grace and creative power, but I do hope my words will move others and help them see what is out there for them, especially those with differing viewpoints from my own.
There is an interesting dicotomy to my thought process about superstition, horoscopes, karma and the whole "something out there" in some ways belonging to the qualification as "destiny" or a "higher power."
It's very easy for me to sit here now and apply what fits from yesterday into my horoscope, which was a prediction, that I didn't read until five minutes ago. Had I read this horoscope on Sunday night, well, perhaps I would have felt the same way about occurances yesterday. But perhaps not. I guess it's interesting to think that we all live our lives with a sense of "knowing" what is around the corner or what we plan to do with ourselves or others, in say, the span of 24 hours, or what we'll have for lunch, or what we'll want to be doing 20 years from now.
Truth is, no body knows with 100% certainty what lies ahead, in the next minute, or the next 20 years. We can plot out our course and chart out our lives with a sense of purpose and plan, and still we have to allow for, excuse the expression, the inkblots of life. Or perhaps, I feel as many friends my age feel, that even though we've got a direction, or have some sort of idea of where we're heading, or want to go, we don't know for sure that it is the RIGHT way to go, the path we are meant to be on. Maybe one of these "inkblots" will make us change our minds about that direction, and we'll veer toward a new one. But are we really the ones in control of those moments, or is there something more powerful that guides us to make the choices we make? Is there really something so vast and influential that can be summed up in a simple word like "Fate"? I don't claim to believe in organized religion as an outlet for myself, but I do believe that there is something out there that acts upon us, and causes us to have impulses and thoughts at defining moments. Sometimes we dont' even know that those moments are defining ones until much later.
So, when I ask myself, would I have believed that my horoscope came true at the end of yesterday, I have to also admit that hindsight is 20/20, and that the best I can do is live my life with an attempt toward being kind to everyone and everything, to hope that I make good choices with positive results, and to know that, inevitably the "plans we've made will give way to the reality of today and quickly become recollections of the past." If they come to fruition, all the better. and if they don't...well then, there's always tomorrow's horoscope to read the day after.
Well, now that it is Tuesday evening, I can reflect on how true this horoscope prediction was for yesterday. I did indeed expand my mind by spending time with some very intelligent people, and conversed over the use of vocabulary. I had information to share. I'm not sure I was up with the grace and creative power, but I do hope my words will move others and help them see what is out there for them, especially those with differing viewpoints from my own.
There is an interesting dicotomy to my thought process about superstition, horoscopes, karma and the whole "something out there" in some ways belonging to the qualification as "destiny" or a "higher power."
It's very easy for me to sit here now and apply what fits from yesterday into my horoscope, which was a prediction, that I didn't read until five minutes ago. Had I read this horoscope on Sunday night, well, perhaps I would have felt the same way about occurances yesterday. But perhaps not. I guess it's interesting to think that we all live our lives with a sense of "knowing" what is around the corner or what we plan to do with ourselves or others, in say, the span of 24 hours, or what we'll have for lunch, or what we'll want to be doing 20 years from now.
Truth is, no body knows with 100% certainty what lies ahead, in the next minute, or the next 20 years. We can plot out our course and chart out our lives with a sense of purpose and plan, and still we have to allow for, excuse the expression, the inkblots of life. Or perhaps, I feel as many friends my age feel, that even though we've got a direction, or have some sort of idea of where we're heading, or want to go, we don't know for sure that it is the RIGHT way to go, the path we are meant to be on. Maybe one of these "inkblots" will make us change our minds about that direction, and we'll veer toward a new one. But are we really the ones in control of those moments, or is there something more powerful that guides us to make the choices we make? Is there really something so vast and influential that can be summed up in a simple word like "Fate"? I don't claim to believe in organized religion as an outlet for myself, but I do believe that there is something out there that acts upon us, and causes us to have impulses and thoughts at defining moments. Sometimes we dont' even know that those moments are defining ones until much later.
So, when I ask myself, would I have believed that my horoscope came true at the end of yesterday, I have to also admit that hindsight is 20/20, and that the best I can do is live my life with an attempt toward being kind to everyone and everything, to hope that I make good choices with positive results, and to know that, inevitably the "plans we've made will give way to the reality of today and quickly become recollections of the past." If they come to fruition, all the better. and if they don't...well then, there's always tomorrow's horoscope to read the day after.
Monday, August 08, 2005
listening to: Counting Crows August and Everything After
Kind of fitting to be listening to an album titled August and Everything After, while I contemplate just what might be out there for me after this August. What lies in store for me at what I've started to call my adoptive home that is three states away?
This is such a rough sort of transitional time for me I think, mostly because I feel so disjointed about where I am in my life, and where I want to be, or if I even really think I know where I want to be. Case and point - I have my life scattered in three places. A storage unit in Indiana, a storage unit in Iowa, and then at my parent's home here. It's just strange to use the term scattered, but I think in a way, my head feels that it's also somewhat scattered now.
My birthday was a huge success by all accounts of the attendees who cared to share their thoughts on the event. I am blessed with some absolutely wonderful and thoughtful friends and family, not only those that attended the little fete I threw here at my folks, but the many friends and family that sent well wishes via phone calls and emails. Perhaps that's what leads me to feel so connected and distant at the same time. I can not tell you the immense pleasure I get from having people remember me, and remembering to call or contact me, even if it's only one day a year for my birthday. I pride myself in being able to keep in touch with the friends of the past, so that I can continue to keep them as friends in the present and future. So finding e-cards from friends in Nebraska that I haven't seen in probably three years, or talked to at least since christmas is really nice and surprising. realizing that I've gained a whole new group of people who care about me and what goes on in my life and how I'm feeling and what I'll be doing to celebrate also makes me feel so loved and such love for the Bloomington crew.
At the same time, it's going to be really really really hard to go back there. It's nothing against my friends at school, because they are fantastic, and I am really looking forward to my one bedroom place, and many movie nights and japanese food. But, at the same time, I think I harken back to an earlier post from the summer. Upon initially coming home, i was apprehensive about how much I've changed, how much my friends from IC have changed, and also, to some extent how well I'd fit back into this life I used to have. Well, it's interesting, because I see now how my life could continue to be here in Iowa City. Also an earlier post was relating to my sense of comfortable friendships here, and there is something really great about people who simply have alot of ammunition with which to make fun of you, and you know they aren't judging you, but just enjoy your company. It's really quite bittersweet. I am going to miss my friends so terribly when i move back, as well as my parents. I'm not taking for granted the last few days I have to spend here with them. And hopefully many of them will take me up on my invitation to come and visit me in B-town and explore the campus/brown county/indy with me.
I know a part of me is reluctant to go back simply because it will be a switch from calling about 20 ppl to see what they are doing each night, to calling one for a study session. My grad school life and my "summer" me life are on such opposite ends of the spectrum. Here, I am going out each night or staying up late, playing video games, or watching movies with friends, then working in the mornings (or whatever random hours at barnes and noble) and then doing it all again the next day. it's become such a comfortable existence so quickly. It's hard to believe that almost three whole months have gone by already. At IU my life also consists of working, but my nights are also filled with working and studying and everything school-related. And only a few choice ppl to call, so I guess I know what is in store for me for this August and Everything After.
I just hope there are good things on the horizon back in B-town to help me get back into the swing of things quickly, because I don't want to be homesick for Iowa all over again. It's soo easy to fall back into a comfortable pattern with the people that know you best, it's like you pick up where you left off and nothing has changed. I realized the other night that I actually came back to Iowa 5 times while i was technically living in Indiana. I don't know if that's alot or a little for a recently turned 24 year old who was spending her first real year away from her hometown. Looking back on the year as a whole there were many moments that I'd wished I'd stayed in Iowa. It's sort of sad to admit, but at the same time I think somewhat healthy. these were of course times when i was dealing with rougher issues and drama at schoool, that of course, make you want to "run home to mommy" - but ya know, in the grand scheme of things, I survived. That is most important I think. Survival. So perhaps all that August and Everything After will hold for me this time around in a hope for survival and for better things ahead. Or if nothing else at least a few phonecalls from friends are around the bend.
Kind of fitting to be listening to an album titled August and Everything After, while I contemplate just what might be out there for me after this August. What lies in store for me at what I've started to call my adoptive home that is three states away?
This is such a rough sort of transitional time for me I think, mostly because I feel so disjointed about where I am in my life, and where I want to be, or if I even really think I know where I want to be. Case and point - I have my life scattered in three places. A storage unit in Indiana, a storage unit in Iowa, and then at my parent's home here. It's just strange to use the term scattered, but I think in a way, my head feels that it's also somewhat scattered now.
My birthday was a huge success by all accounts of the attendees who cared to share their thoughts on the event. I am blessed with some absolutely wonderful and thoughtful friends and family, not only those that attended the little fete I threw here at my folks, but the many friends and family that sent well wishes via phone calls and emails. Perhaps that's what leads me to feel so connected and distant at the same time. I can not tell you the immense pleasure I get from having people remember me, and remembering to call or contact me, even if it's only one day a year for my birthday. I pride myself in being able to keep in touch with the friends of the past, so that I can continue to keep them as friends in the present and future. So finding e-cards from friends in Nebraska that I haven't seen in probably three years, or talked to at least since christmas is really nice and surprising. realizing that I've gained a whole new group of people who care about me and what goes on in my life and how I'm feeling and what I'll be doing to celebrate also makes me feel so loved and such love for the Bloomington crew.
At the same time, it's going to be really really really hard to go back there. It's nothing against my friends at school, because they are fantastic, and I am really looking forward to my one bedroom place, and many movie nights and japanese food. But, at the same time, I think I harken back to an earlier post from the summer. Upon initially coming home, i was apprehensive about how much I've changed, how much my friends from IC have changed, and also, to some extent how well I'd fit back into this life I used to have. Well, it's interesting, because I see now how my life could continue to be here in Iowa City. Also an earlier post was relating to my sense of comfortable friendships here, and there is something really great about people who simply have alot of ammunition with which to make fun of you, and you know they aren't judging you, but just enjoy your company. It's really quite bittersweet. I am going to miss my friends so terribly when i move back, as well as my parents. I'm not taking for granted the last few days I have to spend here with them. And hopefully many of them will take me up on my invitation to come and visit me in B-town and explore the campus/brown county/indy with me.
I know a part of me is reluctant to go back simply because it will be a switch from calling about 20 ppl to see what they are doing each night, to calling one for a study session. My grad school life and my "summer" me life are on such opposite ends of the spectrum. Here, I am going out each night or staying up late, playing video games, or watching movies with friends, then working in the mornings (or whatever random hours at barnes and noble) and then doing it all again the next day. it's become such a comfortable existence so quickly. It's hard to believe that almost three whole months have gone by already. At IU my life also consists of working, but my nights are also filled with working and studying and everything school-related. And only a few choice ppl to call, so I guess I know what is in store for me for this August and Everything After.
I just hope there are good things on the horizon back in B-town to help me get back into the swing of things quickly, because I don't want to be homesick for Iowa all over again. It's soo easy to fall back into a comfortable pattern with the people that know you best, it's like you pick up where you left off and nothing has changed. I realized the other night that I actually came back to Iowa 5 times while i was technically living in Indiana. I don't know if that's alot or a little for a recently turned 24 year old who was spending her first real year away from her hometown. Looking back on the year as a whole there were many moments that I'd wished I'd stayed in Iowa. It's sort of sad to admit, but at the same time I think somewhat healthy. these were of course times when i was dealing with rougher issues and drama at schoool, that of course, make you want to "run home to mommy" - but ya know, in the grand scheme of things, I survived. That is most important I think. Survival. So perhaps all that August and Everything After will hold for me this time around in a hope for survival and for better things ahead. Or if nothing else at least a few phonecalls from friends are around the bend.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Well, I have been back in Iowa for almost two full weeks now. It has been a very good experience to readjust to life over here. I am loving my internship so far, Rijn is awesome and I am learning some really cool things, and I just got a call to interview at Barnes and Noble on Wed. so everyone wish me luck with that! (how totally awesome would it be to work with books and get paid? haha, oh wait...that's what my REAL career is going to be anyways! hehe, perhaps that's why I'm worthy of an interview. Hopefully they won't care that i"m only going to be around in the summer, and only want part time...well keep your fingers crossed anyways okay?). Let's see...other things....readjustment...well it has been really nice to see the Iowa friends again. There is something quite wonderful in the simple pleasure I take in hanging out with certain people that i have great chemistry with, so that we can spend an entire evening hanging out and in a very Seinfeldian sort of way, conduct a "show about nothing." Seriously, I hadn't laughed sooo hard in ages, as I did last week at perkins. It felt so good to just gel with them again. :) I miss my b-town girls and boys already too, because they are awesome as well, but there is something to be said for hanging out with people that, for all practical purposes have all sorts of "ammo" against you from previous knowledge to make fun of you with. Ah, the joys of being able to laugh at yourself. Particularly, from the bowling alley, the first night of my return, when I was dead tired and dragged my butt over because it was MY idea to go bowling earlier in the day, for when I got back to town, but soo tired I barely knew what was going on. Needless to say my comment of "I left the deathstars in the other duffelbag" is now living in infamy. Not to mention "what happens when you step on a dead cow?" (from the perkins evening) to which I replied "It stays dead?"
Not all of this homeward venture has been rosy though, as I've realized a few more things about myself that i need to work on. Like jealousy. I've always thought it such a stupid emotion, but I am beginning to understand the complexities and different types of jealousy that exist, and hopefully will discover how to better deal with them from an internal standpoint. But for the most part, life is fairly coposetic..(and I STILL can't spell for anything) So that's the newest update. peace!
Not all of this homeward venture has been rosy though, as I've realized a few more things about myself that i need to work on. Like jealousy. I've always thought it such a stupid emotion, but I am beginning to understand the complexities and different types of jealousy that exist, and hopefully will discover how to better deal with them from an internal standpoint. But for the most part, life is fairly coposetic..(and I STILL can't spell for anything) So that's the newest update. peace!
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Listening to: Counting Crows - August and Everything After
Oh ya, so this is a huge record, three entries in one day - well technically one day/evening. I forgot to mention in the earlier entries how totally stoaked I was that traci and I went to see David Sedaris at the IU Auditorium the other week. Can I just say that if I wind up with even a small amount of his enormous wit/abilities by the time I'm 50, i'll be pretty happy (also wouldn't mind being considered a "successful" writer- because let's face it that's a pretty huge feat in itself.) I really enjoyed it, so I"m also really glad that Traci and I actually became friends, because well, it was a leap of faith that I asked if she'd like to go and hear him way back when we purchased the tickets in september and we barely knew each other. :) Good thing we click so well. I must take a moment to thank these great friends here at IU that are my new found support system. I love you all dearly and just wanted to say so again, especially for all your help in the past couple of months. It has in fact been a very rough end to the semester here at IU, and I look forward to the end of the academia for a few.
I hope that aunt mary is recovering from the surgery and can continue her life as normally as possible. I know it may seem very "high and mighty" or whatever to say that I am really truly blessed in many ways, and that I'm glad I stop to take the moments to remember that. For a switch to introspection: On a personal level I am too hard on myself when it comes to the potential for failure. I'm not sure where i picked up this trait along the way in my life, it's totally self-inflicted, and also detremental. It's not as if I haven't flunked things in my life time, and survived. It's not as if I haven't had disappointments academically, I'm not a straight A student. I never got a 4 pt in undergrad. I was an honors student, sure, but I didn't belong to many extracuriculars, so I wasn't an "overachiever" or anything, and I enjoyed learning. But I can't lie to myself that I garner a certain satisfaction from getting A's. It's weird to, because I know that B's are good, and that if I get B's I most likely deserve them, and I"m not one to argue for more points or anything, and especially in grad school. But for some realize I have a parallizing fear of failure that is self-imposed. It's not an outside pressure on me to be outstanding, it's only my own want and desire for that. Really, it's stupid and I need to learn to cope with this better. It is something I will be working on over the summer I hope. Obviously it will be on my mind some, as this summer I won't have a class that is based on "grades" but rather on learning on the job. So hopefully that will help me out there.
I am going to miss you IU and the stempel crew. at least some of them will be returning next year, and I will still keep in touch with the others -
there is already talk of a cocktail party at my new apartment for those returning to IU, slis folks and others :) so keep that in mind all you returning folks.
okay, enough for tonight. my brain is fried from all this analyzation. Reading back over some of the first entries I wrote, I was alot more clear, had better word choices, tighter essays with some good punchlines, closing sentences...and now...well now...I firmily believe my writing style has reverted back to the 3rd grade.
Oh ya, so this is a huge record, three entries in one day - well technically one day/evening. I forgot to mention in the earlier entries how totally stoaked I was that traci and I went to see David Sedaris at the IU Auditorium the other week. Can I just say that if I wind up with even a small amount of his enormous wit/abilities by the time I'm 50, i'll be pretty happy (also wouldn't mind being considered a "successful" writer- because let's face it that's a pretty huge feat in itself.) I really enjoyed it, so I"m also really glad that Traci and I actually became friends, because well, it was a leap of faith that I asked if she'd like to go and hear him way back when we purchased the tickets in september and we barely knew each other. :) Good thing we click so well. I must take a moment to thank these great friends here at IU that are my new found support system. I love you all dearly and just wanted to say so again, especially for all your help in the past couple of months. It has in fact been a very rough end to the semester here at IU, and I look forward to the end of the academia for a few.
I hope that aunt mary is recovering from the surgery and can continue her life as normally as possible. I know it may seem very "high and mighty" or whatever to say that I am really truly blessed in many ways, and that I'm glad I stop to take the moments to remember that. For a switch to introspection: On a personal level I am too hard on myself when it comes to the potential for failure. I'm not sure where i picked up this trait along the way in my life, it's totally self-inflicted, and also detremental. It's not as if I haven't flunked things in my life time, and survived. It's not as if I haven't had disappointments academically, I'm not a straight A student. I never got a 4 pt in undergrad. I was an honors student, sure, but I didn't belong to many extracuriculars, so I wasn't an "overachiever" or anything, and I enjoyed learning. But I can't lie to myself that I garner a certain satisfaction from getting A's. It's weird to, because I know that B's are good, and that if I get B's I most likely deserve them, and I"m not one to argue for more points or anything, and especially in grad school. But for some realize I have a parallizing fear of failure that is self-imposed. It's not an outside pressure on me to be outstanding, it's only my own want and desire for that. Really, it's stupid and I need to learn to cope with this better. It is something I will be working on over the summer I hope. Obviously it will be on my mind some, as this summer I won't have a class that is based on "grades" but rather on learning on the job. So hopefully that will help me out there.
I am going to miss you IU and the stempel crew. at least some of them will be returning next year, and I will still keep in touch with the others -
there is already talk of a cocktail party at my new apartment for those returning to IU, slis folks and others :) so keep that in mind all you returning folks.
okay, enough for tonight. my brain is fried from all this analyzation. Reading back over some of the first entries I wrote, I was alot more clear, had better word choices, tighter essays with some good punchlines, closing sentences...and now...well now...I firmily believe my writing style has reverted back to the 3rd grade.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
um ya
okay, so I realize I've been rather "bad mood-ish" and projecting on this blog lately. sorry folks. honestly I"m really not that bad to hang around with these days...truly, it's just school is difficult and annoying right now, and i"m suffering a severe case of doubt about the papers and such...but it's almost done almost done, then it's back home to do more stuff in Iowa. I will miss my b-town buddies though :(
okay, that's all,
bye bye
okay, that's all,
bye bye
Monday, February 14, 2005
Mundane Moments Matter
Listening to: Kings of Convenience, Quiet is the New Loud
It was a rough week for other reasons as well. I know that people appreciate the fact that I tend to follow a few of the LEO traits, in that I"m fun to be around most times and enjoy the simple things in life, like laughing with friends. However, there was more to worry and empathize about this week than to laugh about. I try to be there for my friends and family, the people that mean the most to me, Itry not to burden them too much with my own issues, but also to let them in, I try not to make many mistakes and I try to take a good moral road of right and wrong most times...I hope that people can see me for who I am, someone that is trying to get along in the world just like them, who does make mistakes, and isn't any better than anyone else, who doesn't always have the energy to laugh instead of cry (though her general mechanism of coping is usually to crack jokes and smiles instead of tears), but can always be there for a hug or a kind word and to let people know she's thinking about them. I often wonder if other people spend as much time thinking about their friends/family going through rough spots as much as I do..it's not that I think it's unhealthy to feel bad for other people and what they go through - but is there a point when you do too much sympathy for them and not enough concentrating on your own issues? I find it's better for me to cope with my own improvement or crappy life things, by reminding myself that at least I'm not going through such and such, or dealing with something like that. Is that wrong of me? Is that like a cop-out of some kind, where it means I spend less time on myself and more time on a fruitless endeavor, when I know I can't help them more than I already have? One of the worst feelings in the world for me is feeling like I can't help someone in need...strangers or familiar faces...I don't like feeling helpless. Helpless in the sense ofhelping others, and helpless in the sense of not letting other people help me. It's a strange dicotomy. I'll pray for you guys though, who are going through so much right now that seems so much more insurmountable than my own problems.
I sometimes wonder if little details remind people of me, the way silly or often strange things remind me of them. People from my past that I'll randomly muss "Gee, I wonder how So and So is doing now..." and "wow, that would totally be something that Blank would love" Or remembering events that might have seemed totally mundane and uninteresting to those folks which actually had a profound effect on me or stick out in my mind with this insane intense impact. I'm reminded right now, in fact, of learning what someone's first impressions of me where, that I was unaware of until MUCH MUCH later...and, with a fond sense of how interesting those impressions can be, he said he thought of me as "the girl who complained alot about another class, and liked to talk alot(to my friend in the class), but seemed smart, cause you raised your hand and had intelligent answers" Or, the other impression I often get when people meet me for the first time "sweet and likable, can't understand why she doesn't have a boyfriend..."
I realize tomorrow is a day in which everyone normally says "I Love You" and does the whole mushy romantic thing for their significant other (which I personally think you should do randomly when the mood strikes you and not because one day out of the year dictates it)- and the single people of the world usuallly grumble about how much the day is for candy companies and greeting card factories and are jealous of what the relationship folks have. I should know, I've been in the later category on most Valentine's Days before...though, a few years ago a wise and deer friend - whom I actually haven't talked to in almost 3 months now said "You may not like Valentine's Day and protest it and everything, but I enjoy any day where I have an excuse to tell people that they mean something to me, regardless of their status as a friend, family member, or significant other" (I think that was the gist of his message, though not copied here word for word) Well he's right ya know. And this journal entry has made me think of him and the many many great memories of our friendship. I wonder if he thinks of me every now and again too...
Ya know what? It's nice to know you've had a positive effect on someone else's life, in either a small way or a larger one. My eyes welled up the other night, after I'd sent an email to Christa, in which I told her that I was sorry our talk ended abruptly and I'd wanted to give her a hug and tell her she'd be in my thoughts - for what she's dealing with family-wise right now - she wrote back to say it was one of the nicest emails and she was touched I'd sent it. That was important.
So, I'd like to tell Cassi thank you for her email response recently - it was much needed and appreciated and had profound words of encouragement to inspire me to continue on my path. And to the rest of the friends, thank you for being there for me as my support system, in the good moments, bad moments, and mundane moments, because you truly do impact my life in ways I can't imagine living without. Thanks for accepting this crazy blonde with all her faults and quarky behavior in to your hearts. Now, for my two cents, I don't think a greeting card or box of candy would have said it any better - but Happy Valentine's Day to all of you!
It was a rough week for other reasons as well. I know that people appreciate the fact that I tend to follow a few of the LEO traits, in that I"m fun to be around most times and enjoy the simple things in life, like laughing with friends. However, there was more to worry and empathize about this week than to laugh about. I try to be there for my friends and family, the people that mean the most to me, Itry not to burden them too much with my own issues, but also to let them in, I try not to make many mistakes and I try to take a good moral road of right and wrong most times...I hope that people can see me for who I am, someone that is trying to get along in the world just like them, who does make mistakes, and isn't any better than anyone else, who doesn't always have the energy to laugh instead of cry (though her general mechanism of coping is usually to crack jokes and smiles instead of tears), but can always be there for a hug or a kind word and to let people know she's thinking about them. I often wonder if other people spend as much time thinking about their friends/family going through rough spots as much as I do..it's not that I think it's unhealthy to feel bad for other people and what they go through - but is there a point when you do too much sympathy for them and not enough concentrating on your own issues? I find it's better for me to cope with my own improvement or crappy life things, by reminding myself that at least I'm not going through such and such, or dealing with something like that. Is that wrong of me? Is that like a cop-out of some kind, where it means I spend less time on myself and more time on a fruitless endeavor, when I know I can't help them more than I already have? One of the worst feelings in the world for me is feeling like I can't help someone in need...strangers or familiar faces...I don't like feeling helpless. Helpless in the sense ofhelping others, and helpless in the sense of not letting other people help me. It's a strange dicotomy. I'll pray for you guys though, who are going through so much right now that seems so much more insurmountable than my own problems.
I sometimes wonder if little details remind people of me, the way silly or often strange things remind me of them. People from my past that I'll randomly muss "Gee, I wonder how So and So is doing now..." and "wow, that would totally be something that Blank would love" Or remembering events that might have seemed totally mundane and uninteresting to those folks which actually had a profound effect on me or stick out in my mind with this insane intense impact. I'm reminded right now, in fact, of learning what someone's first impressions of me where, that I was unaware of until MUCH MUCH later...and, with a fond sense of how interesting those impressions can be, he said he thought of me as "the girl who complained alot about another class, and liked to talk alot(to my friend in the class), but seemed smart, cause you raised your hand and had intelligent answers" Or, the other impression I often get when people meet me for the first time "sweet and likable, can't understand why she doesn't have a boyfriend..."
I realize tomorrow is a day in which everyone normally says "I Love You" and does the whole mushy romantic thing for their significant other (which I personally think you should do randomly when the mood strikes you and not because one day out of the year dictates it)- and the single people of the world usuallly grumble about how much the day is for candy companies and greeting card factories and are jealous of what the relationship folks have. I should know, I've been in the later category on most Valentine's Days before...though, a few years ago a wise and deer friend - whom I actually haven't talked to in almost 3 months now said "You may not like Valentine's Day and protest it and everything, but I enjoy any day where I have an excuse to tell people that they mean something to me, regardless of their status as a friend, family member, or significant other" (I think that was the gist of his message, though not copied here word for word) Well he's right ya know. And this journal entry has made me think of him and the many many great memories of our friendship. I wonder if he thinks of me every now and again too...
Ya know what? It's nice to know you've had a positive effect on someone else's life, in either a small way or a larger one. My eyes welled up the other night, after I'd sent an email to Christa, in which I told her that I was sorry our talk ended abruptly and I'd wanted to give her a hug and tell her she'd be in my thoughts - for what she's dealing with family-wise right now - she wrote back to say it was one of the nicest emails and she was touched I'd sent it. That was important.
So, I'd like to tell Cassi thank you for her email response recently - it was much needed and appreciated and had profound words of encouragement to inspire me to continue on my path. And to the rest of the friends, thank you for being there for me as my support system, in the good moments, bad moments, and mundane moments, because you truly do impact my life in ways I can't imagine living without. Thanks for accepting this crazy blonde with all her faults and quarky behavior in to your hearts. Now, for my two cents, I don't think a greeting card or box of candy would have said it any better - but Happy Valentine's Day to all of you!
Friday, February 04, 2005
Curses
So, I reread the previous posting about everything seemingly calm, and now I"m laughing with sense of impending stress and hopefully surmountable number of tasks. I think this semester is going to contain a violent level of mood swings related to the awesome nature of learning so much that will help me with my career and is interesting, withthe sheer amount of learning and reading to get to that level. So far, I'm feeling WAY behind already in all 4 of the classes I'm taking - not to sound like the big complainer though -cause yes, I realize I set myself up for this sort of thing. so on to happier things
Jaime called tonight - wedding plans are coasting along nicely it seems...misa called last night, good to hear from her as she destresses from her busy week at work...jon and chai called the other night to inform me that our basketball team star is a moron, and will no longer be on the team (good for alford, he FINALLY gets a few points in my book for that - though not many cause he's still a jerk) I got emails from friends in far away places, though I'm still waiting for one particular friend on teh east coast to let me know he's still alive...though since he's in grad school he's probably got a bit of an excuse, - more so than me even...
mardi gras this year might be the first one I haven't gone out on in AGES, since starting college in fact! I hope to make it out to play a little billards at least, so I can say I still did go out at least, just no drinking and no late night - hve too much to do and no desire to drink before doing homework this time around...
okies, that's all for now, I'm out. case study to write.
Jaime called tonight - wedding plans are coasting along nicely it seems...misa called last night, good to hear from her as she destresses from her busy week at work...jon and chai called the other night to inform me that our basketball team star is a moron, and will no longer be on the team (good for alford, he FINALLY gets a few points in my book for that - though not many cause he's still a jerk) I got emails from friends in far away places, though I'm still waiting for one particular friend on teh east coast to let me know he's still alive...though since he's in grad school he's probably got a bit of an excuse, - more so than me even...
mardi gras this year might be the first one I haven't gone out on in AGES, since starting college in fact! I hope to make it out to play a little billards at least, so I can say I still did go out at least, just no drinking and no late night - hve too much to do and no desire to drink before doing homework this time around...
okies, that's all for now, I'm out. case study to write.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
all calm on the western front
For some reason tonight, I feel very calm and peaceful and happy with where I am at in life, and the pursuit of my happiness. I'm not sure what exactly has changed from the last few entries about my busy busy life and the massive amount of time spent reading for classes and NOT really loving that - (still don't really love all that - but at least I know it's useful and will help me with the career - so it's not like learning how to graph parabalas back in Algebra and Precalc, when all I could think was "Oh, yea, I'm REALLY going to need this in my job later in life" ) But tonight, I'm really just happy. Coposetic even...should i know how to actually SPELL that word...I'd use it properly. True, I still have much headway to make in my life and my self-improvement missions and all of the things I wisht o accomplish - and they linger and float through my head...as does the realization that I've got projects and assignments to do and everything else...but tonight, i guess, they've just really been pushed into that backyard area of my brain rather than running through..um..the kitchen?.. (okay, I realize I SUCK at metaphors and I SUCK even more at metaphors that I've attempted in "on the spot" situations...but I figure the Kitchen is the most likely place for all of my "daily tasks and my more long term projects" to rumminate normally. This is because the kitchen is normally where you start your day, as you eat your cereal or whatever and think over your daily tasks.) It's as if they've all decided to take a holiday though, or at least, want to play in the backyard on the swingset for awhile. Affording me enough time to walk from the kitchen, into the living room, where I do my BEST relaxing. Can I just say now that I am sooo happy I have so many great and wonderful people in my life that I get to converse with often either through phonecalls, emails or actually see! Thank you all for being such wonderful and great mood-altering drugs for me. :) Perhaps i"m also excited to give myself a "dramatic" make over change of some sort that's in the works and to see peoples' reactions - most obviously my OWN. I haven't had short "boycut" hair since i was in Elementry school, and I"m thinking of returning to that look for awhile...could be interesting...Valentine's Day will hopefully be the day for the deal to occur....so I can do something fun and interesting on that day!
other than that, I leave you with Traci's parting words from this evening's study session at Starbucks. "libraries are the diva deal"
other than that, I leave you with Traci's parting words from this evening's study session at Starbucks. "libraries are the diva deal"
Well this week went by pretty fast. I feel sort of as if so much of the semester has already past and that there are soo many things i should have already started relating to school work that i haven't gotten to yet. Oh well, there's only so much you can do each day before you go insane. Grad school has really made me notice my ADD MTV generation attention span. I can't go for more than two hours of reading without having to take a break, and either bounce off the walls for awhile or have some other distraction around. Plus, while reading my mind wanders so much, to thinking about so many other things, it's like i'm trying to tell myself with my consciousness that ANYTHING is more worthwhile than learning and reading whatever is in front of me. So much so, that today, while reading about structures and theories of organizational learning and scapegoats and whistle-blowers for compannies, I was instead recalling an experience from elementry school - ya, that far back, so I really have NO idea what i was trying to read. Damnit, I hate when you end a paragraph and have no idea what it said, but yay for the memory, because it was a sweet one :).
I've had a decent weekend too. I screwed up something at worktoday - at least I think I did, which I'll probably have to try and correct later this week, but only one probably correctable mistake so far isn't horrible I guess. Traci and I investigated a bit of Brown County, we've decided it will be majorly fun to go back there in the Spring time, it reminds me of the Res and the drive out there, but it's actually way cooler, with these gorgeous rolling Southern Indiana hills and trees and these houses that look like quaint little cottages and some log cabins. I could really tell where all the flooding has happened too, since all the trees were basically burried in ice. Seemed a lill desolate, but the warm smoke coming from the cabins made me feel warm too. Nashville is a small sorta spread out town with a wedding chapel, plenty of bed and breakfasts and an artists' colony and a county library. Of course Traci and I went to the library to check that out :) not much was there though....a kewl building nonetheless. We went into a couple of the shops, one where the woman made handmade paper, another for doll house minatures. I thought about the boys back home too, because in one "box" they had a miniature old time bar set up, and I totally thought the boys would LOVE the little mini bottles of Jack Daniels, (for will of course), and beer cans (for Q). We went into a book store as well, but quickly realized we needed to get back to B-town for Traci to get a monroe co public library card, so back we went. I will have to take a picture of the sign for the car place here...it def tops Kum and Go, for the signage and the hilarious dirty-ness of it. Perhaps I will get a chance to do that soon. Friday night I stayed in and did homework, and I watched Charade, an Audrey Hepburn Carry Grant movie with the Stempel Three girls . and then went to bed, I was exhausted, having woken up at 5 am and not being able to get back to sleep. I also felt a little pang of missing home, because not only did I get emails from many of the old friends - including one from heather hall - whom I saw in Germany last summer and sarah buschelman whom I haven't seen since third year at UI, but because many of them were going out on the town last night, and/or drinking together. While I didn't really drink much during the semesters I would still have probably gone and hung out and socialized, so i do miss that aspect...more now than last semester too, because I haven't met anybody else to go to the bars with here in Indy yet. Today has been really boring during the day, homework/reading the whole time...did watch the hawks kick indy ass...no surprise there. I had a great time watching Dial M for Murder with Christa, Dimah and Julie though - classic older movies are great! We went to main and were just purusing the shelves of movies there. I realized I have not seen many of the "classics" I've now resolved to watch all of the movies on the AFI's 100 years 100 movies list that I have not already seen. I've not seen many - and some I've only seen a few scenes from - like Casablanca, and the Godfather (Thanks ALOT jon and Q!!! I will fastforward through that scene next time!!!!) so before the end of summer I will try to see all of them that I haven't. another zealous behind the scene type project...
right now it's 1 am, and I"m not really feeling sleepy, but again, not feeling like doing any more reading tonight. so hence the longer entry in this online journal thang. I'm feeling like writing some poetry, but also not feeling motivated to write it, becaue it would be crappy. Tomorrow will be spent doing homework most of the day, then going to kickboxing in the early evening, then to Barnes and Noble with Traci for more homework time, but at least in a different place. The "e" cover on my keyboard has fallen off of the laptop. This is not good. Not only because it is more difficult to use the "E" key, and my realization that the e is in quite a few words in zee english language, but also because it's not my laptop, it's dad's. I'm sure he will be none too happy to hear this.
I am looking forward to Valentine's Day this year...which is odd. The last time I had a good valentine's day was junior year of college, when I made protest shirts with Christy, Jon gave all the girls roses (so he could be a pimp ya..) and Tuttle wrote me a poem. That was the last good V-day I had. Senior year, I got my teeth cleanned, that was the highlight. 5th year I dogsat for Fritz, the cutest Schnauzer in the world, and had to field phone calls from weird stalkerboy #2 who wanted to come over to keep me company. This year might actually be interesting. I've always been single on V-day, and that will not change this time around - so i get to wear my Pink protest shirt - yes, the ONLY pink shirt I own (since i really dislike the color pink) I will go to class...oh joy....and then I may set up an appointment to dye my hair, something drastic, a big change...any suggestions from the online journal readers out there?
I got my first paycheck yesterday too, makes me feel like less of a slacker, as I've spent all of last semester watching the account balance simply dwindle. I bought a scale and some handweights too...to help motivate myself to lift more often.
and that's the boring life of me. If I were to write a screenplay to the movie of my life so far - (since i'm on a movie kick after the AFI list) I think I would have to title chapters - sort of like in Kill Bill - and this one would be called "The Boring life of Me" subtitled the grad school years, and yes, I know now how to do the proper grammer and punctuation for cataloging such a title.
so, that's the scoop here. ...
I've had a decent weekend too. I screwed up something at worktoday - at least I think I did, which I'll probably have to try and correct later this week, but only one probably correctable mistake so far isn't horrible I guess. Traci and I investigated a bit of Brown County, we've decided it will be majorly fun to go back there in the Spring time, it reminds me of the Res and the drive out there, but it's actually way cooler, with these gorgeous rolling Southern Indiana hills and trees and these houses that look like quaint little cottages and some log cabins. I could really tell where all the flooding has happened too, since all the trees were basically burried in ice. Seemed a lill desolate, but the warm smoke coming from the cabins made me feel warm too. Nashville is a small sorta spread out town with a wedding chapel, plenty of bed and breakfasts and an artists' colony and a county library. Of course Traci and I went to the library to check that out :) not much was there though....a kewl building nonetheless. We went into a couple of the shops, one where the woman made handmade paper, another for doll house minatures. I thought about the boys back home too, because in one "box" they had a miniature old time bar set up, and I totally thought the boys would LOVE the little mini bottles of Jack Daniels, (for will of course), and beer cans (for Q). We went into a book store as well, but quickly realized we needed to get back to B-town for Traci to get a monroe co public library card, so back we went. I will have to take a picture of the sign for the car place here...it def tops Kum and Go, for the signage and the hilarious dirty-ness of it. Perhaps I will get a chance to do that soon. Friday night I stayed in and did homework, and I watched Charade, an Audrey Hepburn Carry Grant movie with the Stempel Three girls . and then went to bed, I was exhausted, having woken up at 5 am and not being able to get back to sleep. I also felt a little pang of missing home, because not only did I get emails from many of the old friends - including one from heather hall - whom I saw in Germany last summer and sarah buschelman whom I haven't seen since third year at UI, but because many of them were going out on the town last night, and/or drinking together. While I didn't really drink much during the semesters I would still have probably gone and hung out and socialized, so i do miss that aspect...more now than last semester too, because I haven't met anybody else to go to the bars with here in Indy yet. Today has been really boring during the day, homework/reading the whole time...did watch the hawks kick indy ass...no surprise there. I had a great time watching Dial M for Murder with Christa, Dimah and Julie though - classic older movies are great! We went to main and were just purusing the shelves of movies there. I realized I have not seen many of the "classics" I've now resolved to watch all of the movies on the AFI's 100 years 100 movies list that I have not already seen. I've not seen many - and some I've only seen a few scenes from - like Casablanca, and the Godfather (Thanks ALOT jon and Q!!! I will fastforward through that scene next time!!!!) so before the end of summer I will try to see all of them that I haven't. another zealous behind the scene type project...
right now it's 1 am, and I"m not really feeling sleepy, but again, not feeling like doing any more reading tonight. so hence the longer entry in this online journal thang. I'm feeling like writing some poetry, but also not feeling motivated to write it, becaue it would be crappy. Tomorrow will be spent doing homework most of the day, then going to kickboxing in the early evening, then to Barnes and Noble with Traci for more homework time, but at least in a different place. The "e" cover on my keyboard has fallen off of the laptop. This is not good. Not only because it is more difficult to use the "E" key, and my realization that the e is in quite a few words in zee english language, but also because it's not my laptop, it's dad's. I'm sure he will be none too happy to hear this.
I am looking forward to Valentine's Day this year...which is odd. The last time I had a good valentine's day was junior year of college, when I made protest shirts with Christy, Jon gave all the girls roses (so he could be a pimp ya..) and Tuttle wrote me a poem. That was the last good V-day I had. Senior year, I got my teeth cleanned, that was the highlight. 5th year I dogsat for Fritz, the cutest Schnauzer in the world, and had to field phone calls from weird stalkerboy #2 who wanted to come over to keep me company. This year might actually be interesting. I've always been single on V-day, and that will not change this time around - so i get to wear my Pink protest shirt - yes, the ONLY pink shirt I own (since i really dislike the color pink) I will go to class...oh joy....and then I may set up an appointment to dye my hair, something drastic, a big change...any suggestions from the online journal readers out there?
I got my first paycheck yesterday too, makes me feel like less of a slacker, as I've spent all of last semester watching the account balance simply dwindle. I bought a scale and some handweights too...to help motivate myself to lift more often.
and that's the boring life of me. If I were to write a screenplay to the movie of my life so far - (since i'm on a movie kick after the AFI list) I think I would have to title chapters - sort of like in Kill Bill - and this one would be called "The Boring life of Me" subtitled the grad school years, and yes, I know now how to do the proper grammer and punctuation for cataloging such a title.
so, that's the scoop here. ...
Saturday, December 04, 2004
okay, so ya, um, I don't have anything to write, I should really bother with this entry in the end. Do you ever get that feeling like everyone else in the world is doing something so much better/more fun/interesting/cooler than you are at this very second? well I do. and I'm having that thought right now. It's not because I'md oing something horrible either, though sometimes that compensates and allows for the complaining factor of feeling like they are all doing something better cause they probably truly are, as you struggle with the crap that you are doing. But no, I'm not doing anything horrible now....and yet...I still feel like other people's lives must be way cooler than mine currently. not sure why that is...
oh well, guess I'll go read...cause that's cool.
oh well, guess I'll go read...cause that's cool.
Monday, October 25, 2004
A Small Hopeful Prayer
I am not, by nature, a very religious person in my day to day life. I am not, by nature, one who believes that organized religion is the path that is right for her. I do not however disregard how much strength of character and will some of my friends and family gain from attending church on a regular basis and worshiping in the ways that they see fit. I will not try to push my views on others and I will not try to make other people believe what I believe. Tonight, though, I would like to have anyone that reads this journal and does believe in praying to read my words and send your own as well.
I offer a simple but hopefully strong message when I want to pray for all of the families and friends that have been affected by this war, fought not on our own soil, but with the lives of our loved ones. I pray for our loved ones in Iraq and all around the globe that have dedicated a portion and perhaps their entire lives to serving our country. I pray for the loved ones that are left behind. I wish for all of them that their friends and families serving overseas will return home soon and can find peace and comfort with their families again. I want everyone to return safely, healthy and happy. My normal prayers are usually for those specific friends and family members that are going through rough spots of their own, and I always add that I pray for the rest of those who have touched my life in so many ways, that they are also happy, healthy and safe. For my personal part, I have not been directly affected by the war in Iraq in the sense that a family member is there. However, I do have friends in the military that will hopefully not, but possibly soon, find themselves in a position of active duty serving in a war zone. I pray that they do not have to go. I pray especially for a friend I knew in highschool, that I don't talk to on a regular basis anymore, but through other friends I know that she is facing probably the roughest nine months of her life, as her husband of just over a year will soon be heading to the Middle East. I pray for her husband as well. I pray for my friend back in Iowa City who has another good friend in the military who has been serving in Iraq for almost the whole time I have known her. I pray for the victims in Iraq and those on the soil in which this war is being fought. I pray that this war will cease to be an event affecting all our lives, in the small or large ways, that it has affected each and every one of us.
I offer a simple but hopefully strong message when I want to pray for all of the families and friends that have been affected by this war, fought not on our own soil, but with the lives of our loved ones. I pray for our loved ones in Iraq and all around the globe that have dedicated a portion and perhaps their entire lives to serving our country. I pray for the loved ones that are left behind. I wish for all of them that their friends and families serving overseas will return home soon and can find peace and comfort with their families again. I want everyone to return safely, healthy and happy. My normal prayers are usually for those specific friends and family members that are going through rough spots of their own, and I always add that I pray for the rest of those who have touched my life in so many ways, that they are also happy, healthy and safe. For my personal part, I have not been directly affected by the war in Iraq in the sense that a family member is there. However, I do have friends in the military that will hopefully not, but possibly soon, find themselves in a position of active duty serving in a war zone. I pray that they do not have to go. I pray especially for a friend I knew in highschool, that I don't talk to on a regular basis anymore, but through other friends I know that she is facing probably the roughest nine months of her life, as her husband of just over a year will soon be heading to the Middle East. I pray for her husband as well. I pray for my friend back in Iowa City who has another good friend in the military who has been serving in Iraq for almost the whole time I have known her. I pray for the victims in Iraq and those on the soil in which this war is being fought. I pray that this war will cease to be an event affecting all our lives, in the small or large ways, that it has affected each and every one of us.
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